Bad Fantasy Theater 3000

(Cross-posted from [livejournal]:)

(To be sung to the tune of MST3K's theme song)

In a world of imagination In Fantasyland There was a dragon named Nelth Whose life was on the mend

He worked at the wizards' tower Just another minion without power He did a good job keeping folks away But his bosses didn't like him so they shot him between planes

We'll send him cheesy novels The worst we can find He'll have to sit and read them all And we'll monitor his mind

Now keep in mind Nelth can't control When the books begin or end He'll have to keep his sanity With the help of his magic friends

If you're wondering how Nelth eats and breathes And other annoying facts Then repeat to yourself: a wizard did it I should really just relax

For Bad Fantasy Theater 3000

In here, Nelth the black dragon takes on the terrible books which the evil wizards, Lord Voltmeter and Lady Valeria send him in their evil quest to find the ultimate bad fantasy novel. Sound familiar? Uh-huh. Craziness ensues.

Episode one: Nelth takes on //Dragonknight// by Donita K. Paul, a Christian fantasy--or is it really Christian, for all that it claims?

Episode two: Undaunted by their first failure, the evil wizards send in a truly terrible book--//Touched by Venom//, by Janine Cross. Can Nelth survive this horror of Issues, female genitial mutiliation and dragon beastiality?

Episode Three: The evil wizards have identified bad dragon sex as a part of terrible fantasy writing, and are seeking to isolate this particular piece of vileness using //The Dragon Delasangre,// by Alan F. Troop. Will Nelth and friends be able to survive this book made from mashed-together porn scenes with their minds intact?

Episode four: No rest for the wicked! Exploring the hypothesis that book quality decreases exponentially with the number of authors, the evil wizards send Nelth and friends //Dragon Harper//, a collaboration between the McCaffrey mother and son team. With twice the suck, it seems our magical friends' sanity is at risk!

Episode five: Horror! Nelth and his magic friends have tried to take on the utter horror that is Richard A. Knaak's //Day of the Dragon//, and have succumbed to the horrible apathy it causes, for it is as tasteless as one of C.M.O.T Dibbler's sausages-inna-bun! Due to its incompleteness, episode five will not be on this wiki, but what has been done is on my LJ.

Episode six: It seems that the Duck Lord Tommy Malboro Reed has a heart after all! Granting all on the Plane of Literature what seems to be a reprive, he sends the seemingly good book //Dragon Outcast// by E. E. Knight to our magic friends. But there's dust under the beautiful carpet, and as our friends read on they start seeing the holes everywhere...